Untitled

Things are changing. They always are, but this is...this is a lot different. Things are shifting -- in the deepest parts of who I am. I am realizing the FIGHT between my soul and my mind. I am seeing how crazy hungry I am for God that nothing, not music, a friend, writing, maybe not even the bible can fill this hunger. Give me God. Straight up. When I hear about things like prayer meetings, people's lives changing because of God, reaching out to friends that i haven't seen in a while, seeing my dad ...a part of me resists this, but underneath that it is everything I want. God's love is like a shower, a rain storm, where I find myself in the middle of a street unable to move, drenched and soaked with rain drops, my hands up in the air with a smile on my face saying I WANT MORE!...come on clouds i'm not done yet. JOY WILL COME <-- I believe what i just described to you is receiving a part of joy..oh geeze its like undescribeable but so unique and i'm not sure what it is. Sure i still get miffed about things but God calms the storm.
I have been quite the skeptic actually -- i don't think anyone would think that about me from the outside. I've done a good job at pretending...having it all together [which by the way i am SO done with that]. I've lived in all of the lies, they have blinded me from the truth..that's what lies do -- they tear apart one's heart until it seems any kind of surgery will not repair it. But GOD is more powerful. He redeems. What else can I say?
So this skeptic is going to take off her blinders and open her eyes to the beauty that is surrender, the beauty that is sacrifice, the beauty that is God. This is DEFINITELY a process. But...I have faith and that's new so right now I trust.

I thought Untitled would be a good title for this blog considering well my thoughts are gone...come on Jesus - take away my resistance, Here I am.

Freedom is here...

When I am at the end of my rope He makes me new again…
He refreshes my spirit and shows me that it is not through my strength but only through Him
He is the best father, teacher, counselor, and friend that anyone could ever know
He gives me joy and peace when I don't deserve it…
His grace is abundant no matter what the cost.
He is the first and the last
Created everything
He is my God
And I am his daughter
He loves me, He loves you
He is my savior -- the one I can fully depend on when I feel all hope is lost
He knows what is best for me, even if I disagree…
But He gives me free will to chose ..YES or NO
That is what true love is
He sacrificed EVERYTHING so that I could be forgiven, free, and restored.
How sweet it is to be loved by a God who guides me into deep waters and open valleys -
Takes me into the wilderness and I am NOT alone
Shows me what I am made of…so that He can make me new
He is THE one that shows me how to stand in truth
When my sin is all that I can see, he does not relent but says - "that is not what I see
I see beauty when I look into your eyes, I see my son in disguise"
What a beautiful maker, what a wonderful savior..
I do not have any words, but hope rests on my heart
For when I feel far from Him - he says "were not apart"
I fall to my knees in surrender, find a shelter when I'm weak
He made me, shaped me, knew all about me - and said "you're the one I seek"
This God who is HOLY, laid down His life, He knew I would mess up
But He still calls me His bride…
So what do I say, what can I do?
Here is my life, a living sacrifice to you.

WAITING. & RELEASING JOY.

Philippians 3:12-15 (The Message)

Focused on the Goal
12-14I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.

15-16So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it.

I would say that in my walk with Jesus[which by the way just saying that is exciting! ..what a privilege]...my vision has been skewed. How I have seen myself has been based off of how I think God sees me..but the problem is I haven't thought God sees me much - ridiculous i know, but sadly true. And honestly i'm not positive but i think that's why i have a lot more rebellion in my than i thought i did. I am just seeing how much my desires don't mach up with God's desires. So right now, I am waiting...for God to break me - to "clear my blurred vision," change my hear to one that desires what he desires-- desires him.
Oddly enough, as i am in this place i am at peace and have joy - what else can i do? well i could throw a pity party, drench myself in condemnation, or sit on my bum and dive into more rebellion...but i really don't feel like getting myself into that kind of mess.
So i just keep on asking - God would you change my desires? I know i am called to live a radical life for you, no not a "Christian Life" because honestly what is that? I am called to live saturated in God's love and obedient to his spirit.

I think that's why I am so excited...i'm ready for it to happen! I am ready to be broken so that i can enter into God's presence. I am ready to know my Papa the way i should as a daughter <3

This blog i feel is a commitment and later on i can look back and say hey God IS good and HAS changed my desires.

I am waiting...

The Only Way To Explain It...

" 16-17This is how we've come to understand and experience love: Christ sacrificed his life for us. This is why we ought to live sacrificially for our fellow believers, and not just be out for ourselves. If you see some brother or sister in need and have the means to do something about it but turn a cold shoulder and do nothing, what happens to God's love? It disappears. And you made it disappear.
When We Practice Real Love
18-20My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.

21-24And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what pleases him. Again, this is God's command: to believe in his personally named Son, Jesus Christ. He told us to love each other, in line with the original command. As we keep his commands, we live deeply and surely in him, and he lives in us. And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit he gave us."
- 1 John 3:16-23



I don't have a lot of my own words right now and i'm finding that i really don't even have sentences to put together to fully explain my heart condition...all i know is that i see that i am in the middle of a process and it's good.

It's hard, challenging and I find myself wanting to be stubborn sometimes but here's the truth - God gave me his holy spirit. Not for my own benefit either! It's so that God can be seen through me. I am a body that has God's living spirit inside of me and i cannot keep it in anymore by covering it with negative thoughts.

So what do I do? I fight, I stand firm and I live fully alive through the good, bad, and ugly. God gave me the gift of being at Northwestern where things are totally out of my comfort zone, yet it totally fits me. He is giving me this time to totally devote my heart to him, to make my heart a dwelling place for him. This is the time in my life where i seek him with ALL of my heart and completely depend on him like i never even imagined. It's hard..because i'm fighting with my flesh like none other but SERIOUSLY this is do or die.

And as Nike always says I will "just do it."

why? Because there is truth rooted into my heart [which i am SO thankful for - praise God for such a great VB community!] and I will NOT deny it any longer.

welp...here i go, knowing i will stumble and fall but its okay.

I Wanna Walk In The Light...

So Lately, well actually i would say all my life, progressively I have been living in a negative thought life. Now some would call this torment, and don't get me wrong i would agree...BUT these are thoughts that i have brought on myself. Sure it was started with torment, but really this has been an issue that has been here pretty consistently.
I remember a message my youth pastor spoke on, basically saying how the little things in our life where we disobey God become big things. I see this in my life right now. Every negative thought i have had has turned into a big lump of negativeness that truly has affected every spot of my life. Living in negative thoughts produces negative feelings, which then produces negative actions or the posture of being stuck.
So first off i don't believe that this means that because i have been in my negative thoughts that God has not been able to use me. I believe that because i have been seeking God that he has shown me that these thoughts are here and that those thoughts are NOT from him...therefore they need to be rooted out of me. These negative thoughts are a "family curse"...for all those who have been to valleybrook =P. I know now that i have a choice...
This brings me to the epiphany i had tonight while chatting with my mom. In english the other day my teacher was talking about the fact that God IS light and how God is not LIKE light, but IS light. There's a difference and it really changes the way that we as Christians look at life.
If God is light, then in order to live with God we must live in the light. Now this may seem quite obvious and maybe even repetitive to some but it really isn't! Why, you ask? because i think so many of us think that we must be at a certain point in our walk with Jesus to finally be "christian enough" or "worthy enough"...that we get our "in" with him. Like we must go through a series of tests and then get accepted. that is SO false!!!! The TRUTH is, God IS light - and once we truly surrender our life to him then we ARE in the light!!! We will always be in process until we meet Jesus. The thing is that a lot of us tend to focus on the darkness instead of staring straight ahead at the light, that gets brighter and brighter as we grow in Christ.
I encourage every one of you to take a step forward - to walk into the light, to leave every piece of darkness that you are aware of in your life and walk in faith - in the fullness of God's power that he has given us. This is the only way that we can give God glory, surrender all to him, and let his light shine through! This is something that is still very raw to me, but i know that my God is a good and faithful God and he cares SO deeply for his children. He IS the perfect father and will take care of all of our needs in HIS perfect timing.

"This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light.." - John 1:5

"12We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!13But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love." - 1 Corinthians 13: 12-13

Joy in a desert place

Ya know how when you ask God for something, he tends to give you it in a weird way. Well last night i got myself in a situation where I really only gave God a "half eaten apple" and out of that he showed me my sin in the situation. Now instead of picking shame, or torment, i chose joy. God is cleaning out my heart, and dang it is humbling but not decaying. To live for God, you must sacrifice the desires of your own human heart -- that's what i believe. Then he will burn away the bad desires and bring life to the good ones.

"Obey my voice and i will be your God and you shall be my people. and walk in all the ways that i command you, that it may be well with you" -Jer 7:23

All My Crummy Apples

So I have come to the realization that the whole time i have been at northwestern I have brought some baggage along with me. Coming from my old church, i was shown such a good picture of God and community. But i realized that i was too rooted in my church and not rooted enough in God. Now i dont want to take away from the amazing things God did do through me being a part of that church, but it is what it is. Every where you go and everything you do is going to be flawed. That doesn't mean it can't be God honoring.
That brings me to the baggage that i brought a long with me. Because of the great community I had back home and my brokenness, I went into college thinking that i was this amazing christian that really knew a lot about life. haha...was i wrong or what?! I believe that God really wanted to show me how wrong i was. So basically i have had this mentality that I have to get life right, but in the bible it clearly states that i can't. I know that it says that I am made right by my faith, which is encouraging.
What really made me stand in awe is that anything i give God is good. Nothing i give him will be holy enough for him. And that's not discouraging, that just shows that God is perfect and I am not -- more humbling then anything. At church my pastor put it perfectly today - he said that when his friends daughter got him an apple from the apple orchard, it was half eaten by the time it got to him. Once getting it, he did not yell at his daughter, but fully enjoyed the apple and thanked her for it. God is like that -- he will take my "half eaten apples" and make them into something beautiful. So no more comparing, no more trying to "get it right". It is time to open my eyes to who God is...I need a new picture of God. I want God's love to go deep into my bones -- and honestly i don't think i'm gonna stop until i get there.
It's like i'm sitting in the air port with all these suit cases surrounding me, and instead of rolling them along side of me as i walk out to fly, i'm leaving them there and running to my destination.
I'm not sure if anyone actually reads this, but whoever is - i want this for you too. I crave for each person on this earth to KNOW this kind of love deep in their bones, to the point where they cannot contain it. they must act out this love, not in fear or performance but because they couldn't imagine living their lives for any other cause. MAN that get's me going and gosh i pray deep inside of me that that kinf of fire will ignite in every person on this earth.

I'm Falling in Love...wont you join me?

"Then the word of the LORD came to me: ⁵"Thus says the LORD, the God of Israel: Like these good figs, so I will regard as good the exiles from Judah,whom I have sent away from this place to the land of the Chaldeans. ⁶I will set my eyes on them for good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up, and not tear them down;I will plant them, and not uproot them. ⁷ I will give them a heart to know that I am the LORD,^)"> and they shall be my people and I will be their God, for they shall return to me with their whole heart." - Jeremiah 24: 4-7

So I'm here at Northwestern college and i've been here for a while now, but recently it has really sunk in! That's besides the point of this blog, but I think it explains why I have decided to "dig into" blogging again. So prior to coming to NWC God had told me that I was going on a 3 year- no dating covenant with him...basically I am dating Jesus!! And Basically I feel led to write about this over the next 3 years.



God has been showing me over these past few weeks that I am his beloved. He has been romancing me like crazy and being quite obvious. He really doesn't want me to miss this one. And i don't really want to either. Even when I stray away from him, he gently brings me back and shows me that he LOVES me so MUCH. I can't even begin to describe the fullness of God that I have felt in my heart, and this fullness reminds me that i MUST keep my eyes LOCKED on Jesus. When i am in that posture of obedience, that's all i really want!! I want to see Jesus...God I just want to see you. Like this hunger is unbelievable and it just keeps multiplying.

But this doesn't eliminate my sin or a need to die to myself every day, but when i know the grace of God, i can come to him in total repentence and joy..knowing he's forgiven me..that's it, that's final. I am an heir of God and i get to live like it, i am NOT a dog, so i won't eat my own puke... [i hope that makes sense to all]

I am so incredibly excited to jump into my saviors arms, so what's the wait for? Um...it's me, God is waiting on me..just to do it! And i know that my heart is so ready that if any distraction gets in the way i will jump into the arms of another. So I have to be that focused, I have to keep the "floaties" on and i jump. Not because God doesn't have me, but because I am new at this, no loving father pushes their child into the water for the first time without some protective device...psh are you kidding me?! So As my father has been showing me, He is a good dad, a dad who will provide for me, a dad that loves me abundently, one that never lets go.

ahhh.. i am humbled, i am in awe...and I always need to be reminded of who God is..every day. He is my everything!!! So Lord, I abandon everything else...i lay it down and give you full reign. Be my Lover,
Jamie

Looking Back...

"This Decree, therefore, of the Master, god-of-the-angel-armies,
the strong one of Israel:
"This is it! I'll get my oppressors off my back.
I'll get back at my enemies.
I'll give you the back of my hand,
purge the junk from your life, clean you up.
I'll set honest judges and wise counselors among you
just like it was back in the beginning.
Then you'll be renamed
City-That-Treats-People-Right, the True-Blue City."
God's right ways will put Zion right again."
- Isaiah 1:24-31

...Some of this verse may sound a little harsh, but i look back on these past two years & I feel like this is how God saw me. He saw what needed to go and gave me everything i needed so that my "blood-red sin would be made snow-white". Basically I think God was saying "My right ways will put Jamie right again." And not just made right but made new. I'm just fully understanding that God has always had his eye on me, caring for me and slowly leading me to him. All in his timing.

I feel like i've had many "defining moments" this year, but here i am again looking back at what God has done as i look forward to all he is about to do. It's crazy, but really exciting, but all i want to do is learn more, and love more.

So as i pack up my things to head to Jamaica I know one thing is forsure, God is going to show up big and definitely Rock my boat. But i'm actually really looking forward to it. This is the only life I get to live and why not embrace the unknown, and have a little bit of adventure! I mean don't get me wrong, i've been stressing out and getting nervous about every little thing possible when it comes to Jamaica, but I don't know something's changed today. I feel at peace and ready.

I've Got Things To Say =)

Hey there, so I actually already have a blog, but my soul sista sarah kim blogs on here and i want to be able to comment on her blogs..=P. so i thought why not get my own blog spot, i mean why not?

So right now I am in waiting; there are so many new and exciting things in my life just around the corner but i'm not there yet. Most of it is so unknown too. I've had my plans of how i thought my future would play out, but of course God has messed that all up, but i'm glad and i feel blessed in the middle of it all. why? because he gets to shine and his plan gets to take place.

So i have had many journals and i'm actually in the middle of creating my newest one, if you will. But i guess it would be pretty awesome to see what could be brought out of me sharing the craziness that is my life. I know that reading other's blogs i have become very inspired each time i read them and its just them sharing their honest, vulnerable hearts. So I hope that you have a good time walking through life with me =P!

Right now, i'm preparing for my trip to Jamaica...which is really exciting, but i have so many questions with few answers. I feel tired every day and everything just feels more or less heavy. I know why, obviously-- like my youth paster said; "the dial was going to get turned up" aka get ready for the heat. and right after that meeting on saturday when he said that, i sure did feel the heat. But more than ever do i feel Gods love and know that he's with me, holding my hand and guiding me through this piece of my life. I know he cares and gives me full permission to be human, and to feel and sometimes not know what i'm feeling. This is my vulnerable heart; I want more than anything to love the orphans we will visit, my team and everyone i encounter. I don't know how and God is definitely going to have to show up big time << which i know he will because thats always been his plan.

I guess i've just realized more and more that when we are our worst, thats when God wants to be glorified. Thats when he wants to use us so that he gets all the credit. God's been showing me that over these past 3 days and i completely understand why.

I seriously feel like i'm at my worst, i see all my sin and say to God "Now what?". And all i know is that i give it to him and let him love me.

So i guess what i'll leave you with is permission. Permission to mess up, to be human, to be vulnerable, and to be loved by our awesome creator.

Peace & Love
-Jamie