Selah

I have been home since May 11th.   That means that I have been here for 15 days (almost 16).  Each of these 15 days has seemed to sweep past me, yet little treasures have been given each day.  Amidst the sea of my sin, I have seen my father's blessing.  Is that what it means to be a finished work in progress? 

These past 15 days have been a time for my body, mind, and soul to take a deep inhale.  (deep breath, and as the oxygen releases from my nostrils I can feel there is still a tightening grip on my heart).  With the heavy load of school and the pain of life that I walked through this past semester, I have needed a time to pause and reflect.  A "Selah" if you will.  For the first few days my body guided me by directing me in paths of lying down on the couch, my bed, or some grass.  Although the tape in my mind that tells me what's wrong didn't approve of the lying down I knew better than to listen to that voice.  I praise my Father that the voice on that tape is getting quieter (maybe I will share more about that sometime).

These two weeks of rest and recovery have been much needed.  I don't know how I will adjust to camp life, but I know my heart isn't ready to stop recovering - in other words healing.  It feels like that has just begun in some ways.  I have had more time, and for the first part of it I wanted to find things to fill up the time to avoid any feeling of loneliness.  Then I had to remind myself that this time is and was a gift that I will not get in my life always.  I'm sure that sooner than I  know it I will be working and married and then children will come at some point and my time will be very limited.  I can use this season of my life, where my time is mine, wisely.  I can take time to journal, sit in the sun, read a book, lay on the couch, and drink sleepy time tea before bed with a book that I can't get my eyes out of (If you haven't read Redeeming Love I highly recommend it).

The tightening grip that I feel and have felt has everything to do with heart ache.  Heart each ebbs and flows in my soul.  Something can trigger it and all at once my heart is back to memories I'd rather push down, so I can move on to something happier, something that doesn't sting.  But it is there.  Some of the aches have been there for years, and some are freshly set upon the old ones.  There is someone that knows me really well, and who I am beginning to know, that can sit with me and slowly begin to heal it all.  He doesn't judge or expect anything from me.  He loves to love me, and is relentlessly after my heart.  He's very jealous for it.  He wants me.  Yes - it's Jesus.  Over these past 15 days there have been times I've really let Him in.  I've learned more about His love (read Redeeming love!!!) for me, and like for me.  I've seen prayers answered. I've learned that He doesn't care about me being cool - well He actually wants it gone and has shown me in some really practical ways how to walk out of it.  For example, I wanted chacos for camp.  Oh my beloved chacos.  Nope!  Keens are for me, they fit like a glove and they don't look cool to me.  Let's see who cares?!  Not my father, or my earthly dad, or my mom, or my friends.  They like keens...haha.  Not that it entirely matters, but hey it was a big deal for me.  There are more little treasures that God has given me, but that's one example I think is good and funny to share.

My "Selah" time is almost over.  What I have learned is that I need to "selah" each day, and my heart needs it each moment of each day.  My heart needs fresh air, warm sun, comfy blankets and pillows and some discipline too.

In 4 days I go to camp.  Deep breath in, and as the oxygen deflates from my chest, I can feel a sense of peace.  It is surely not my own.

-Jamie  

One Week Away

For those of you who read my blog what I am about to share is not news to you, but please read on the same, because there is more to share.

This summer, starting one week from today (May 31st), I will be starting my job as a day camp coordinator at Trout Lake Camp in Pine River, MN.  Each week I will be driving a suburban with a trailer attached to it (I'm not joking) to a different part of Minnesota to put on a day camp at a church, with a set of counselors from Trout Lake from Monday to Thursday.  While we are there we will either stay at the church or a host family.  From Thursday to Sunday I will spend time at Trout Lake doing odd jobs and trying to get in time by the lake as much as I can while avoiding as many bugs as I can.  From what I know there are three coordinators and each of us will take different counselors with us each week for six weeks.  After that I will take the role as a counselor if that is a good fit or I will take on some other responsibility at Trout Lake.  I will be there until August 18th.  A week later I start my senior year of college!  Holy smokes.

Here is what I am excited about.  I am so excited to share truth with children.  I was talking with a family that I just love last night and sharing about what my summer will be like.  I haven't been able to put my passion into words until last night and this is what it is:  I am excited to be able to share the message with children that they are loved, they matter and they have purpose.  My prayer is that this message would be louder than any other messages in their life, and that it would not be my voice that is heard, but Jesus'.  Because of my past, I long for children to know this truth and be founded in it.  The truth of Jesus Christ.

Here is what I am anxious about.  Driving that suburban with the trailer connected to it.  And being away from home for 2.5 months.  Yes I have three years of college under my belt, but I also did that 1.5 hours away from home.  I believe the longest I have went being away from home is about a month and a half.  I can do this.  I believe by the time that I am done with the summer I will be a pro at driving and driving in the cities will be much easier.  (please Jesus!)

As I will be busy, and in many ways this whole experience is much like a mission trip I won't be able to have a lot of contact with others.  Yes I'm sure I will be able to text friends occasionally and make phone calls to my parents, but not like normal.  So this blog will hopefully be a place where I can share what is going on in these next 2.5 months.  I will have my phone with me, and it's a smart phone so I can blog on there!

I would absolutely love your prayer, because I do see this as a ministry.  I see this as a growing experience where I will be stretched in many ways.  I am incredibly excited to have this experience, and share the love of Christ with children.  Until then I plan to soak in this time I have at home with family and friends as much as I can.

He is so incredibly good and faithful,

-Jamie

The One Who Holds All Things Together

Transitions are hard for me.  I no longer live in south (the school apartments) and it makes me sad.  Not because of the building, but what the building held.  It held five girls who laughed together, cried together, prayed for each other, who had conflicts: some resolved, some never talked about.  Who shared clothes and stories, who took the shuttle and missed the shuttle.  We painted nails, watched hulu, made cake and ate cake.  We got our hair done and cleaned at 11:00 at night with frustration.  We pushed a roommate's car into a parking lot when it stopped working, ran in the snow and threw snow balls at boys we didn't know.  We made budgets, studied, went to counseling, and tried really hard to go to sleep early and work out...  

That room 37 really holds a lot for me.  It began friendships and fostered ones already started.  These girls taught me about Jesus; they taught me about grace and truth.  They really accepted me, and were there for me at my hardest and weakest moments.  

I miss them. I miss us.  I don't want it to be over, but it is and it makes me sad.  It doesn't end for them -- a building that holds a relationship.  It does for me, and I didn't choose that.  I have to believe God did.  I have to believe that instead of a building holding five girls together that God holds us together. 

 That's what  is so hard about transition for me.  The place that made me feel safe is gone and with it the people.  And now I am physically alone in a familiar medium.  I'm not at school, and I'm not at camp: I am in the middle.  Home isn't the same either.  That familiar and "comfortable" part of being home is gone.  

Please don't misunderstand. Oh my goodness I am so excited to see my church community.  I am excited to see my best friend who leaves for Korea in a few days.  I am really looking forward to sitting at Phoenix park with my journal and a book, with the sun beaming down on me.  I'm so thankful to be done with homework.  I am overjoyed at the fact that I am officially a senior in college!!!!  My father has blessed me more than I could ever imagine.  And this piece about my roommates that I shared above is a blessing.  It's me letting go of a season and, sharing with you something special that I share with my Father, and then clinging to truth. 

Here is where I really feel like I need some truth.  Something to reassure me that it's going to be okay.

"Turn my eyes from worthless things, and give me life through your word" - Psalm 119:37

"Your word is a light to my feet and a light to my path" - Psalm 119:106

"Let your steadfast love comfort me according to your promise" - Psalm 119:76

"'For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed.' says the Lord who has compassion on you." - Isaiah 54:10

My father's love is the one thing that can't be taken from me - it won't change.

What I have realized, is that this is what He wants me to know.  That a building or a place was never supposed to hold a relationship.  You would think that I would have realized this, but I think it took living with four amazing woman and finding wonderful friendships from living together.  Then it was time to move out and say goodbye.  For me it is time to move on to the next season of life.  What I know today is that God holds my relationships and I get to trust Him.  


^" I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers,  that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him"
-Ephesians 1:16-17