Things I've Learned in 2011

It is crazy how fast a year can go by and how much can change in that one year. For my own benefit and hopefully for anyone that reads this I'm going to try and reflect on what I have learned in this past year...

1. Feelings are not good or bad they are just real
2. It's okay to not be okay
3. It's okay to fail, and there is much to be learned through our failures
4. Living life to the fullest means being in the present moment
5. Living in the present moment is experiencing His presence
6. My wounds go sooooo much deeper than I could ever imagine
7. God is in control and pretty much does what He wants...I don't have to worry
8. I don't have to understand why God is doing what He is doing, I just get to say "yes"
9. God never takes us backwards in our journey, He always gives us "more" and it is always good...that doesn't mean it has to feel good
10. I love to be crafty and it is a gift to others around me... didn't know that about myself
11. I am VERY selfish, but God is changing that...woohoo!!!
12. I'm not cool...never was and that is really okay
13. God's grace and love are seriously important and need to be my foundation
14. Special Education is messy: there are so many threats to its existence and dignity. Even though this is true there are those out there that God has called to be a voice for the voiceless
15. People are beautiful, because God created them and He sees SO much more than we could ever see. Lord give us YOUR eyes.
16. Deal with the junk in your life, otherwise it will permeate everything you do and say and are a part of.
17. Say yes to God even when it hurts, He knows best.
18. I like healthy food
19. I'm allergic to most dairy products
20. I love A Capella singing groups (sing off..what?!)
21. I love detective shows (Psych, Castle...ya know)
22. I like to knit
23. There is so much about myself that I have yet to learn...

As I enter this New Year, I believe that Papa has New Life for me. I believe this will involve letting go of a lot and it's going to be painful, but I know the end will result in joy and freedom. I look forward to that. I also See this next year as a season of learning how to be a teacher, considering I am entering those classes in my education. WOW...kinda crazy that I am already there. I'm learning how to do something that I am passionate about and may do for the rest of my life? That sure sounds like an adult to me.

Well 2011,
I know I will never forget about you. This past year has changed me in ways that I would have never imagined. 2012, I can't believe you are literally hours away, but with that said I look forward to this new beginning.

Happy New Year everyone,
Jamie

Tis Better To Bequeath Than Receive

One of my pastors made up this phrase, and many of my friends now know that it is my favorite thing to say these days. As funny as this phrase is I would say it definitely was the theme of my Christmas. For all of those who don't know what Bequeath means dictionary.com tells us that it is to "hand down, pass on," and its synonyms are "will, impart, leave, bestow, grant, consign." And in modern English this phrase simply means "It is better to give than receive." Bequeath is so much better, don't you agree?

This year my Christmas was filled with giving rather than receiving. What was so amazing about this is that my soul received such rich blessings in the process. I think that is how it works -- that is why it is better.

On Christmas Eve Day, I had the privilege of singing in a choir at my church for all three services. I got to sing a long side some of my dearest friends. It was seriously so much fun and brought a lot of life into my heart. Singing praises to our God and being able to look out at my community knowing that I am singing with them -- it was so beautiful. That day Christmas was alive to me. I also got to hear the message three times... now maybe that seems like "oh my goodness, get me out of here," to some, but for me it was so awesome! Each time I got something new out of the message -- and my adoration for Jesus grew.

There were other ways that I had the opportunity to Bequeath...and they were equally wonderful. It is kind of a tradition for our family to go to the community table Christmas morning and serve those that come in for breakfast. This tradition is newer, but I am so glad to have done it. I hope to visit there more often -- once again it brought rich blessings into my life. I was also reminded of my love for children as I helped a mother and her children get breakfast, and that makes me excited for this next semester where I will be in the classroom again :).

That is just a snapshot of my Christmas, and I think I am writing this more for myself for not all my days are filled with ease and joy. It is good to be reminded of these times as I trudge through the mud of harder days.

One quote that has also stuck out to me this Christmas season is "He Knows our need, our weakness is no stranger." Happy Birthday Jesus, thank you for all that you are.

-Jamie

All I Have to Give

Create in me a clean heart, a clean heart
For I have turned my face from You
Teach us of Your ways oh God, oh God
For we have turned away from You
Lord have mercy

We will run to you, we will run to you
Turning from our sin we return to You
Father heal your world, make all things new
Make all things new

Your love and mercy build and shape us
Break us and recreate us now
Lord have mercy

Oh, bring us back to you

-- Gungor

There's a love, forgetting my failures.
There's a hope, that's setting me free.
There's a light, defeating my darkness.

And there's redemption calling,
And causing all to sing

[Chorus]
Father will You come and open up our eyes.
Fill us with Your love, renew us with Your life.
Consume us with Your Majesty, consume of with your majesty
Yeah...


There's a peace, that's calming my waters.
There's a joy, that's setting me free.
He's the light defeating my darkness.

And there's redemption calling,
And causing all to sing

--Unhindered

All I have to offer God are my filthy rags and my broken heart and He offers me complete forgiveness. He offers me Jesus. Seriously like that is what we have to offer God -- our Good deeds don't impress Him, those are just sacrifices. I am finally coming to the realization that He can do something with a broken heart, a sinful person. He offers grace, love, forgiveness. He offers His Son once and for all. This is the only way I could ever know how to love Him back. He does it all. I'm just learning this in some painful ways. God is so good though...He really is. He's so good. Hmmm

It's the little things

I read my bible today...and I enjoyed it!

It is amazing to think that I get to touch, see, and take in the Holy word of God.

I also had a chai latte,

talked with a good friend/mentor from NWC,

sent out a package,

went to H&M with one of my roomies and got $10 jeans,

did homework,

had a yummy sandwich from the cafe express, and

had some kashi cereal, with blueberries and almond milk (I'm allergic to dairy :-( )

I would say the first one is the best (reading my bible)...but I mean chai lattes..they're pretty good too. Just Kidding, Jesus is a lot better than chai lattes.

Chai lattes are pretty good though...but they gave it to me in a cup that is for warm drinks...it is just not the same people, so I stuck my straw through the opening - you can't drink an iced chai without a straw.

Truth

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

-Philippians 4:8

This semester I am taking three bible classes, and that makes me happy. The LORD is giving me a hunger for His word and it makes me very excited. PRAISE HIM. I am taking a class called Christian Thought, where we are learning about using our minds, and how beneficial and vital this is to our walk as believers. We are reading a book called Love the Lord Your God With All Your Mind. In this book Moreland talks about training our minds and how our generation does not value this: otherwise known as Anti-Intellectualism. This class is really humbling for me, because for most of my life I have done the work in school to get the grade rather than to learn. And reminding me that in order for me to fight the lies I must train my mind because I am transformed by the renewing of my mind (Romans). I know because I am such an emotional person I need to have truth rooted in me, so that even when my emotions change my anchor is set. I am very blessed to go to Northwestern where I can discover what truth is. Sometimes it is hard, because it is school work and that for me becomes a chore. But, when I am living in the present moment and seeing how awesome it is to be studying the bible, asking the hard questions, and being challenged in my beliefs by my professors I see this school work as a great joy.

It seems that each of my semesters has had a theme to it based on the classes I have or am taking. I would call last semester "A cultural awakening of passion," because all of my classes were helping me find out what I was passionate about in education and I saw my heart for children of culture. So far this semester I see a theme of "Filling my mind with what is true." I am so sensitive to what I see and hear. In my past I watched so much television and I was subjected to media more than I ever would have wanted to in hindsight. Now I believe this is a season of renewing my mind and filling my thoughts and eyes with things that are good, pure and lovely.

I'm interested to see what Papa has for me, and I deeply desire to obey Him for He is good and very gracious. This is what I see so far in one little nugget of my life. My fellow bloggers...there is just too much to write about. I hope this post has made you think and encouraged you -- fix your thoughts on what is true, that is what I'm going to try to do!

-Jamie

Divine Interventions

The Lord has been very thoughtful and loving towards me. He has set many people in my path to be an ear to listen, a voice to pray, a hand to hold or simply arms to embrace me.

He has brought these divine interventions through conversations, not having to eat dinner alone when I thought I would, a glass of water, just the right amount of money to send out packages, a note from a friend and friends that are going through similar troubles and can relate to me and pray with me.

He Is Faithful

"My hope is in you God, I am steadfast, I will not be moved, my anchor is never shaken, all my hope is in you...

I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love,

for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to my enemies but [you] have set me in a safe place.

- Psalm 31:7-8

I will exalt you, Lord, for you rescued me. You refused to let my enemies triumph over me. O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you restored my health.

-Psalm 30:1-2

He's bringing hope to the hopeless, giving his heart to the broken, sharing his home with the orphan, he is the joy, he is my joy, he is the hope of the nations, the fathers heart we're embracing, he is the song we're declaring, he is the joy, he is my joy."

- Hope's Anthem by Bethel Live

...I'm not saying this is easy, I'm just saying that this is how I'm seeing God work - what I'm going through is actually really difficult - God is SO good in it. I want to have a thankful heart and become like the God I worship.

I lift my eyes up, my help comes from The LORD

Jesus, you are my Rock, you are my strength, my refuge, my life, my love. You will always come through. You are faithful and you take care of the needy and comfort me when I need it the most. You know that I am dust; that I am fragile and limited. You know how you wired me father. Just like a Pansy flower - I look fragile, but I am the last one standing...Only because of you. Without you life would be hopeless my father. But because of you I have hope and salvation - FREEDOM. Here I am seeing how much I need you. I am seeing how you answer prayers of me acknowledging my total dependence on you papa. Thank you father for ALL of the amazing blessings in my life. Only you could know exactly what I need, even when I think I know what is best. I pray that all of this truth would sink in deep. I pray for peace to fill my heart as I enter into this new season. I pray for joy to produce from trials, and that I would see each trial as a chance for more joy and growth. Lord, Open my eyes to how you are working in my life everyday - I yearn to be dependent on you abba.

My foes are many, they rise against me
But I will hold my ground
I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

Troubles surround me, chaos abounding
My soul will rest in You
I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
From You Lord, from You Lord

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always, always

One Thing Remains

"Nothing stays the same, but change."

...Didn't I say that at the beginning of the summer? Well, that is because it is true. Here I am with one week left of summer. In one week I will be, beginning my junior year of college. I will be living in an apartment with three other girls and hopefully having a job (very much needed). It's just crazy that the summer went by SO fast. It was nothing like I thought it would look like, but it was so good.

Here are some verses and a song that have spoken to me this summer:

Isaiah 41:14b-16:

I am the Lord, your Redeemer.
I am the Holy One of Israel.’
¹⁵ You will be a new threshing instrument
with many sharp teeth.
You will tear your enemies apart,
making chaff of mountains.
¹⁶ You will toss them into the air,
and the wind will blow them all away;
a whirlwind will scatter them.
Then you will rejoice in the Lord.
You will glory in the Holy One of Israel.

Isaiah 45:2:

² This is what the Lord says:

“I will go before you, Cyrus,
and level the mountains.^[a]
I will smash down gates of bronze
and cut through bars of iron.
³ And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness—
secret riches.
I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord,
the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name.

Psalms 138:8

⁸ The Lord will work out his plans for my life—
for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever.
Don’t abandon me, for you made me.

Hebrews 13:8

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains

Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/j/jesus_culture/one_thing_remains.html ]
On and one and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains

In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love

-One thing Remains by Jesus Culture

"A Noble Warrior Does Not Run From Fear"

The child of God Papa has created me to be does not live in fear. The daughter, so loved by Papa, lives with an adventurous and trusting heart. No matter how small or fragile I may feel I am strong because of Jesus: Not out of my own strength, but out of depending on Him. When I look at this picture of Reepicheep from Narnia this is what is stirred in my heart. He is expectant. Nothing holds him back. He sees life as an adventure, and even when troubles arise he sees the good. He is also there for those that others may be annoyed by.

The word noble fits him so well. He lives with honor because he keeps his heart set on the one who made him and takes great joy in him. Reepicheep knows he is safe, even when his circumstances would like to tell him otherwise. As I was beginning this post, I was listening to the song "Always" by Kristian Stanfill. At the same time I was looking at this picture and felt as if these were the words that may be going through Reepicheep's head:

"I will not fear His promise is true, my God will come through always."

I pray that I would become more and more like this.

Family

This summer has been one of great growth. I too, along with Ser, have been living in the basement of the Kundel's residence. Last night my brother asked, "So are the Kundels having an orphanage over at their house or something?" The answer is No...it's just me and Ser. I decided to take this step of faith in order to leave the house of rebellion (FEAR) and enter the house of the Lord. I needed to make a geographical change in order for emotional and spiritual change to happen. Needless to say, even though it was hard, I have seen the fruit of obeying my Papa. He has given me His power to stand against Fear and my voice within His strength. I am also learning that I am not responsible for other people's feelings and I am not at risk when others are feeling however they may be feeling: negative or positive. I am also learning I can be myself and be where I am at with Papa -- He wants my heart.

Last night I got the chance to spend time with my family. I felt so blessed. I got to have dinner with my mom and brother and go on our walk with fifi (our dog), my mom, brother, my mom's friend and her dog. It was such a blessing to spend time with my brother and talk about life and wounds of our past. Both of us can understand one another when it comes to our past more than maybe any other human being could because we both experienced the exact same thing. At the same time I have some friends that are experiencing loss and pain that breaks my heart. Although it is hard to know they are going through that, I feel very blessed to have moments with my family because life is so fragile. I have been reminded of this in the past few days.

I praise God for the time I get to spend with my family and what God is doing in each of our lives. It is so crazy how God can use anything and everything to get to us. He is so working in my families life and I am just ready to keep obeying Him. The Lord IS good.

Choices

We all have to make them. Daily, hourly, minute by minute; once we wake up to the moment we lay our head back down on our pillows we are making choices whether we are aware of it or not. We choose what we will wear, what we will have for breakfast or if we will eat breakfast to who we will talk to that day or who we want to associate ourselves with. What we choose determines a whole lot. God has been presenting me with many choices lately. They are not easy, but truly all I have to say is "yes" or "no." It's as if I am looking at a trail, mapping out which path to take. I see the two paths ahead of me and what they contain. That's what God does - He shows us clearly what each path has in store for us and then we get to choose. The path that He has for us in each point of healing is obviously the one he wants for us. And I am seeing how my "yes" is very important right now. My choice determines how my life can look. There is a path of destruction and there is a path of life. I'm realizing that God is sooooo gracious with me because he lets me sort it out. I get to think through what I'm feeling and then see what I really want. I always end up saying yes, surrendering and seeing how I really don't want destruction. I believe that I have come a long way to be able to make these choices and take these courageous steps. This truly is where the rubber meets the road, crossing boarders and into the house of the Lord I go, one step at a time. One Choice at a time.

Change.

"When life seems unpredictable and uncertain...

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
-Hebrews 13:8

We take our first breath of terrestrial air in total shock. Christ alone is unchanged and will remain unchanged for all of eternity. We, on the other hand, are in constant, hair raising, stomach-turning flux. As the old saying goes, nothing stays the same but change. The truth is, God uses change to change us. He doesn't use it to destroy us or to distract us but to coax us to the next level of character, experience, compassion, and destiny." - The Promise of Security by Beth Moore

I have been experiencing a lot of change lately, and it is not easy. Each thing that is changing in my life makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel at risk. What I know to be true is that what is changing in my life is actually bringing me to safer places. Safety is found in the name of the Lord and the Lord is everything that is true.

"The name of the LORD is a strong tower;
the righteous man runs into it and is safe." -Proverbs 18:10

Much of the change in my life that is happening is inward change. It is me choosing to walk out of darkness into light, out of the house of rebellion into the house of the Lord, out of sin into truth. It is time for Jamie Boone to grow up a bit more. And that calls for change. I know in my mind that this is good. Even though it is unknown, feels scary, and brings up many emotions, it is good. I believe these changes are coming from my Father God. And that is why I surrender to Him. And I have found that there is a feeling of great freedom in surrender, knowing that God is good and He knows what He is doing.
I so know that this is what He is calling me to.
Truth is: it's not easy, but it's good.

-Jamie

See you later

Oh my goodness -- If I had to sum up this past week and a half with one word I would say FULL.
In the past week I have checked 20 girls out of their dorms, inspected their rooms, thoroughly, meaning helping them clean anything that is not up to standard, checking for any damages and then saying good bye to my 15 girls in my hall...each in 30 minute time slots. I have took one final, one take home final and completed two case studies. I have cleaned my room thoroughly from top to bottom - used more comet and other sorts of cleaners than I could ever imagine. Went swimming and hot tubbing at a hotel to celebrate a dear friend of mine graduating. slept on a futon for three nights in a row with close friends. Went to Old Chicago at 11:30 at night and before that got ice cream at cub with more than a dozen girls. Shared my heart with my staff and experienced theirs while getting immensely sun burned. Played in a four square tournament. Obtained my roommates bike for the summer. Said goodbye to being an RA and to my wonderful staff. Cried a lot, hugged a lot, prayed a lot. And now I am home. This is what it looked like for me to say "See you later" to Northwestern for the summer. And this time it was hard. I have so many emotions right now and, so much thankfulness for so many things/people. Northwestern is another home for me now - these people that I spent every Monday night with are like sisters. And the women that work at Northwestern have become people that I admire and share my heart with.

So "See you later Northwestern" and "hello summer - ready or not you are here. It might take me a few days to get used to you."

-Jamie

Walking in His Rhythm

His heart beat is steady

it is unchanging

By a love that died

for you and me

THIS is irresistible grace; knowing I am loved & loving Him back.

This week...since Tuesday has been good. Woah.

God is REALLY big and He has purpose in each day,

and I'm realizing through prayer our eyes become more open

to how He is constantly moving and blessing us as we submit to Him.

I say, "God, do what you want, whatever you want to do with this day, it is yours...this day is limitless because of you."

And later on He shows me that when I simply slow down my walking and breathing I am able to fight better, think clearer and I am walking in His rhythm.

When we go so fast, we can't hear what is most important - His heartbeat.

This is at least where I'm at.

------

Last night I went to a concert of praise and prayer called UNITE.

It was held at UofM Campus and many college campuses, as well as other organizations such as a team of mom's that pray for their children, and all of us as a generation, were there to UNITE together in prayer to see revival, renewing, and simply put, change.

Why did I go to this, you may ask (or maybe not)? Because Leeland (the band that I love so much), was playing there. I was honest about this, and this is why I think God is funny. I didn't know I was going to a prayer event that had been prayed for for years in advance to bring UNITY throughout the whole twin cities. Woah. And honestly, Leeland was not the highlight of my night. Jesus and feelings His love, power, freedom, and joy was. God is doing BIG things. He is bringing people together and creating an army. He wants us to know we are loved, He wants reconciliation for families, He wants healing. And He is Holy -- He is set apart from us, so far above us, there is nothing we could do to impress Him really because He is just so far above us...but that's good because it's not about that. It's about the fact that Jesus died on the cross for you and me so that we would be UNITED with God once again. His grace leads us into relationship with Him. So....Leeland was good (loved it), but God...yeah He was better.

-----

I have so much on my heart.

So many unexpected conversations have been happening lately.

I have a little over a week left of my sophomore year of COLLEGE!

And I have tons to be thankful for and I'm really looking forward to the summer.

I do not want to stop healing -- it's really hard, but I want to be a whole person, that has joy, peace, and love in my heart. I do not want to be marked by fear. I know this is a process.

I say that a lot.

I have many things I'd like for this summer, but who knows what will happen.

I know I need rest -- life has been busy. And I know that I need a job.

All of that to say -- I am learning to literally walk in God's rhythm, trying to soak up this last week of my year at NWC...while getting all that I need to get done done, and looking forward to a good, hopefully refreshing summer (kind of like a smooth fruit slushy drink...yeah).

-----

And now I am off to more studying -- this really is the life of an education major people.

-Jamie

Academic overload

¹⁰fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with^(R) my righteous right hand.

- Isaiah 41:10

He will tend his flock like a shepherd;
^(P) he will gather the lambs in his arms;
^(Q) he will carry them in his bosom,
and gently lead those that are with young.

-Isaiah 40:11

²⁸Have you not known? Have you not heard?The LORD is^(AL) the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
^(AM) his understanding is unsearchable.
²⁹He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
³⁰Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
³¹but^(AN) they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings^(AO) like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

-Isaiah 40:28-31

I woke up this morning and read these verses and thought

"Today I get to remember that I am a little lamb & God is my shepard taking care of me." I have a theology paper due on Friday about women in ministry, a leaders banquet tomorrow night, a hall dinner on Friday night, case studies to finish, a paper to print, rooms to inspect, a presentation for my lesson plan, a final to study for and the list gooooeeess ON. Tonight I choose to not worry. Tonight I choose to not worry. Tonight I choose to remember that I am a little lamb & God is my shepard taking care of me.

He's got it.

He's got it.

He's got it.

I absolutely believe that I am way too tired to worry!

Mosaic

I believe that in this world God shows us pieces of Himself in different forms all over the place. I think that is why I love to spend time with Him in nature; whether just looking out the window or being outside. I think that God intended people in our lives to reflect images of Him that help create a whole picture of Him. Sadly, many of us [maybe all in some form] have broken pictures of a father, therefore something is missing in our mosaic. I do know that because God is the creator of this mosaic He can heal those wounds and put in the piece that is missing.

All together this mosaic holds together a picture of God inside. I like this illustration -- it makes so much sense to me because I am so dang visual. Man, these eyes were meant for something!
I really want to make a mosaic bottle of some sort and put pieces of paper inside that say things about who God is. That shall be one of my summer projects =). Oh what joy there is from being such an expressive person!

Being Broken

I look around this world
and I see so many broken people.
I see FEAR consume their minds, hearts, and words
with the outcome of deceit, anger, selfishness, and cutting words as well as actions.
I interact with 3-4 year olds every Tuesday and Thursday who each have been wounded by this world already - I can tell.
They don't feel heard, so they boss others around.
They get bossed around so they put up walls and are mean to others as a means of defense.
They have crying fits when their mothers leave; pulling her hand so she won't walk out the door.

How am I to love them?
My first reaction is to come to their rescue every time. To hold them and use soft words. To sit with them every time they cry. That sounds like a great idea - but sometimes that feeds an unhealthy way of them trying to get attention. They need attention though. They need love, they need nurture like every human being. What does it look like to show someone unconditional LOVE? I am wrestling with this. I don't have answers & I know that is okay; I'm only 20. I'm learning. As a child I was a princess - I got rescued every time when sometimes I didn't need a soft word. Sometimes I needed a firm, yet loving word.

When children are crying for attention they need to be heard. The means in which they are heard though needs to be out of unconditional supernatural LOVE. I can't give that to them, unless I have received it from Jesus. I hope to have my eyes more open to the ways in which He is continually showing me His unconditional, supernatural, unchanging LOVE so that I can give that to others.

There is Hope though.
I see it the most when I am out in the sun playing with these 3-4 year olds and their eyes are twinkling as they go back and forth in the swings. Or smile as they do flips on the monkey bars. I see it when I'm holding a little girl who jammed her finger and she is crying as if it is the end of the world but holding on to me so tight. I see it when the little boys look at the big green dumpsters and think that Oscar from Sesame Street lives there. I feel the hope when I am able to rub the little one's backs during nap time and get to pray for them in my heart.

I feel as if God gave me this opportunity to be at a daycare for so many reasons. One of them I am seeing recently is my heart for children that are broken, live in poverty and come from different ethnicities. Another is that I think God is wanting to heal me in my broken ways of love by showing me how to love these Children. I can sympathize with them because I grew up going to daycare with a single parent. I understand what it is like to not want to say goodbye to my mom. I just hope that even though I am only there for a total of 30 hours that I can leave them with something lasting. I hope that my prayers and actions will nurture their hearts and bring restoration.

*I have so many thoughts lately & this has kind of become my place for writing them down, so If you care to read sweet, but it's okay if you dont!

-Jamie

Holding Me

Today at Open Door Steve talked about bearing with each other and then bearing with ourselves and the struggles we encounter. He used Mark 6: 47-53

^"47 Later that night, the boat was in the middle of the lake, and he was alone on land. ⁴⁸ He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. Shortly before dawn he went out to them, walking on the lake. He was about to pass by them, ⁴⁹ but when they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost. They cried out, ⁵⁰ because they all saw him and were terrified.Immediately he spoke to them and said, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” ⁵¹ Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed, ⁵² for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened. ⁵³ When they had crossed over, they landed at Gennesaret and anchored there."

Through this verse he showed that Jesus sees us in our struggle and at the right time comes into our struggle with us and tells us to not run from our fears because He is holding us. Man there was a lot packed into this message that I still need to think about. When he talked about God holding us he showed the picture of Mother Teresa holding this baby. I guess this baby had no arms. And he said that you could tell that she was just so in love with this child and her holding this baby brought something to life within her. that just really stuck with me.

"Glitter"

I grew up with my eyes trained to find value and worth in what has glittered in society. I did not have a Christ-centered idea of love given to me growing up, so what I saw was only skin deep. I learned that "I was not good enough if I looked 'this way' or said 'these things.'" No one had to say it, but certainly over the past 19 years I learned this way of sight. It is now at my 20th year of living that the creator of the universe is showing me that I have eyes that need healing and a heart that needs mending. Now when I was 17 God started to show me the brokenness that I was not even aware of in my life -- but it wasn't until college that my world was shaken. This has been a journey of becoming aware of my lack of understanding of grace and where that comes from [wounds] and then having the courage and endurance to look at my wounds and begin to heal from those things.

Right now I am taking time to really focus on my value. This means I am intentionally trying to change my pattern of thinking. I am seeing where I have placed my value, how I feel about my self, why I feel that way and asking Jesus what He finds valuable and thinking about those things. This is my heart and has been for a while. Recently my eyes were opened to the fact that I need new sight. What I have seen as valuable are the glittery things in our world, especially when it comes to people. Our world is full of a lot of seduction whether you are surrounded by Christians or not, whether it is obvious or hidden.

I have mad the choice that I do not want glitter. It is seduction -- it promises something that it cannot give and gives something that leads to destruction. Glitter catches one's eye. The interesting thing about glitter is that when it is in the form of make-up it is usually easy to put on your face but very hard to get off - it takes time, make-up remover, cotton balls and a lot of elbow grease. I know because we used a lot of it in Dance Team. Glitter also gets everywhere. Most of the time you are just trying to get it on one piece of your skin but before you know there are specs of it all over your close and body. That was not your intention, but that stuff spreads fast. While you are walking by others you end up rubbing this glitter onto them. It's messy.

All of this to say now I have a choice in my every day life. Do I want glitter or reality? And the truth is that my choices affect the ones that I love the most. My prayer is that Jesus would give me eyes to see the glitter and a deep desire to say no to it and yes to Him. I feel that desire deep inside of me already. The truth is that God has given me a true gift of sight and observation and the enemy wanted to mess that up. God is victorious always. This is definitely a journey, and one I am just starting. If you read this; I'm asking that you would just pray for me, because I know God has good things for me in this, but it's not easy.

There is this song by Fuel called Shimmer. It's about a girl and how she broke up with him and blah blah blah -- BUT there is this part of the song that keeps going through my head lately that says "And I have found that all that shimmers in this world is short to fade away." To me that encourages me. It shows me a different reality. I want to know God's reality. I want to find my value and worth from His unconditional love and then see others that way.

Thanks for listening
-Jamie

Who I am

"'For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed,
but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,
and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,'
says the Lord, who has compassion on you."
-Isaiah 54: 10 [ESV]


"I have loved you with an everlasting love,
with unfailing love I have drawn you to myself"
-Jeremiah 31:3 [NLT]




"Nevertheless, I am continually with you:
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;
you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord God my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works."
-Psalm 73: 23-28 [ESV]


My Strength in Life is I am Yours

"God is great, God is good & we thank Him for this food"

For one of my classes I have to volunteer 30 hours at somewhere other than a school where I am working with youth. I am volunteering at a Christian Daycare called Metro Kids. It is a block away from the metrodome. I think I shared a little about this already, but seriously I love it!!! I just love being with these pre-schoolers. No it's not easy, but It's so fun to encourage them and to just have fun with them. To make crafts with them, learn about the planets and hear them pray. We eat breakfast together at the beginning of the morning and sing "God is great, God is good & we thank Him for this food, we gotta thank Him in the morning, noon and night, our God our God is outa sight amen 'chi chi chi chi chi chi' amen 'chi chi chi chi chi chi' amen" aahhh It is so fun! And then today we got to go outside with them at the play ground and I just got to push them in their swings and watch the other ones run around and be freeeeeee! It was great! I said to one of the girls "Are you having fun?!" and she was just laughing and looked back at me with a smile and said "yes!" Maybe this isn't as exciting for some of you, but most of the these kids don't come from the greatest families whether it is socio economically or because they live in a single parent home. To see them have fun, feel nurtured and get the attention that they need is just my joy. Children bring me joy! ahhh it's good.

So go be with children - they are wonderful!

-Jamie

Walking This Road

So I have a few thoughts I want to share:
This year, that is almost coming to an end [what?!], has felt like much more than a year. It has felt like a life time. Good Lord there's been just this constant shifting of my heart - and sometimes I feel like I'm not healing at all. But I look back at all of what has happened this year and where I am today and I know Jesus has really intervened and done lots of healing and is continuing this healing process.

Some things that I feel blessed by this year:
1.God
2.My boyfriend =)
3.The wonderful women God has placed in my life to mentor me [Becky,Hannah,Lisa,Amanda,Kathryn,Brittany]
4.Knuha RA staff
5.Green hall <3
6.The 2 placements at schools I have got to do [both being hmong...which was randomly chosen for me...]
7. The 30 hours of volunteering i get to do at a Christian Daycare that is right by the metrodome...I get to hang out with pre-schoolers who come from low-income homes and single parent homes!!! AND I get to hug them =) [they told me I could!!].
8.New friends [my commuter friends! and having lunch bunch on wednesdays in the library =)] and growing closer with current ones
9. being able to dance with the girls in my hall for Knuha Day and express my heart.
10. being able to be a part of another dance for chapel in April and getting to learn it from an awesome woman that was a part of the ballet academy for 2 years. <-- in all of that having Dancing redeemed for me, so that it it's not about performing but worshiping..WOW.
11. My amazing education teachers...I just love Mrs. Leclaire and Dr.Banks <--they have taught me SO much about teaching, about people and about passion.
12. Being broken and being given more of a hunger for God's word -- I asked for it and He is giving it to me!!! woohoo
13. Understanding God's word more, even when I'm not reading it.
14. The sunshine and the view from my window in my room
15. My roommate... and growing closer with her.
16. The closeness I have gained with Clark...WOW...and the healing that that relationship is bringing and has brought.

God is REALLY blessing me. He is good, I need to remember that. I need to remember that He IS taking care of my needs. Every single one of them.

Well, it is off to a group project for me.
I hope that as you read this you can be blessed!
-Jamie

We have a big world

This weekend I decided to go home for a few different reasons. The two weeks prior to coming home I was extremely busy. Everything that I could have on plate was put there -- I mean EVERYTHING. Going from class, to hall event, to group project, to a hall retreat, to duty for RAing, to another hall event to another class and to another group project and so on. To top all of that off we had Knuha Day last Thursday night and on the same night I decided that I am not going to be an RA next year. On that Friday I went home with a really good friend of mine. We took my boyfriends car and I drove home! For those of you that know me, you know that driving has been some what of a challenge for me. So this was a big accomplishment =). Throughout the weekend I got to spend a lot of time with my friend and It just encouraged me so much. Seeing how she has grown and how God is just molding her and changing her and giving her more hunger for Him inspires me. During this time at home I also gave blood for a part of my doctors appointment. Also once again this is a big thing for me because I am afraid of pain and especially pain in the form of a needle being stuck into my arm. Well it was fine AND i did it all by myself - no one went with me! I am proud! I guess there is just so much that I have going on in my life and so much I could write about.

The thing that inspired me to blog I think is a combination of my human relations class, diverse learners class, placements, future volunteer hours and hearing from other people's hearts. From all of these experiences I am seeing that this world is so much bigger than my little life. There are people hurting and I don't have the answers or ways to relate with them. As much as I want to say that I know what to say to those that have went through things I haven't - I just don't right now. I think I feel this realization that we have a big world. There is so much going on and as busy as I am I know that everything I am learning about is teaching me about the diversity of our big world. If you asked me 10 years ago that I'd be where I'm at I wouldn't think so. But I'm just really seeing that right now - that I am small, that I don't have the answers and that there are people that are hurting.

[this isn't to depress anyone, I think it's just to see the obviousness of our world and how there is greater purpose in our lives]

Today my Christian Theology professor quoted a verse in Isaiah 43:7 that talks about how we are created for God's glory and therefore we have purpose. What's running through my mind right now is what does that look like to live for God's glory? And it also gives me a lot of hope - that we have purpose, that we were not mistakes but purposefully created.

Yeah - those are my thoughts.

Healing Begins

So last night was Knuha day - for those of you who don't know what it is i don't feel like explaining it right now but basically in part of it each hall makes up a dance and performs it...this has been a crazy time in my hall because we have been so busy working on the dance and just with life!

BUT we won!! woohoo no but really i am so proud of my hall..i love those girls. I'm glad its over because i am tired. But i just love dancing..i can express my heart in a way that is inexpressible otherwise. okay that is all for now.

back to my busy life

A great Saturday!

So, I haven't really been blogging because honestly it's not the healthiest thing for me to look at everyone else's blogs with where I am at in my life; the benefits do not out way the torment that starts to spin...

BUT, since I no longer have a facebook I just really wanted to share my Saturday because it was great..haha.

Okay so Clark and I have officially been dating for 6 MONTHS. That is crazy! Let me tell you it has been an adventure. When I said yes to dating him I did not think that it would be so...life changing? Yeah I think that is what it has been. There is this verse in Psalm 33 [my new favorite bible verse] that says something like God frustrates the people's plans. And all I can say is that I think that is what Jesus has been doing in my life and it's not bad. but growing up out of my brokenness I had my idea of "more and better life." I think that it made God really sad because my picture of "more and better life" is actually destruction. This is true. But I think that I get to choose to see that God is SO faithful that He decided to frustrate my plans.

So Saturday was our 6 month and I told Clark that he got to pick what we got to do. Which was me letting go of control and expectations. Not very easy. We ended up going to this iceskating place at centennial park in Edina,MN. Which is SO pretty. The skating rink is just a frozen lake but it is a really long lake and has walking bridges over it. And when it gets darker there are Christmas lights on the trees. There is also an inside room with a fire place and hot chocolate. FUN! It was great. And then we went to Loring Pasta Bar. Woah baby it was fancy. I got this chicken ravioli and it was yummy and fancy..haha. And Clark got tortellini. Yum yum. They had a live band there and this yummy bread with this fancy butter. It was sweet. After that we were just going to go back to his car but we found this book store that is two levels. In there are all these old books; like really big German bibles and this book that Martin Luther wrote that has latches on it! Okay...I don't know why but I just think that is so cool. Just seeing bits of history makes it come alive. And I think that I could probably just look at the books forever. I'm kind of a book lover. Call me a nerd...it's okay.

Well, that was my Saturday. Life is still hard, looking back it's so much easier to see God's hand than in the moment but today has been good. Today's been good! okay just had to say that twice. I am once again doing my placements for education at a hmong school. I'm still doing the education program and I don't really think I will switch unless God makes another path really clear. I have some really amazing education teachers that have a HUGE heart for teaching, which makes it exciting. I think though I have too much going on, I'm REALLY busy. I applied to be an RA next year but we will see what happens. I've thought about working in the campus ministries office in our school so that i can help out more with chapel..It sounds like something I would like. Our school is building a new building and we are getting new meal plans. Haha that is kinda fun but i don't know if everyone likes it. Um also they might change the time for chapel - that'd be wierd. I have the hiccups...

Okay you are updated with my life in all that ways that I'd care to share.

adios