See you later

Oh my goodness -- If I had to sum up this past week and a half with one word I would say FULL.
In the past week I have checked 20 girls out of their dorms, inspected their rooms, thoroughly, meaning helping them clean anything that is not up to standard, checking for any damages and then saying good bye to my 15 girls in my hall...each in 30 minute time slots. I have took one final, one take home final and completed two case studies. I have cleaned my room thoroughly from top to bottom - used more comet and other sorts of cleaners than I could ever imagine. Went swimming and hot tubbing at a hotel to celebrate a dear friend of mine graduating. slept on a futon for three nights in a row with close friends. Went to Old Chicago at 11:30 at night and before that got ice cream at cub with more than a dozen girls. Shared my heart with my staff and experienced theirs while getting immensely sun burned. Played in a four square tournament. Obtained my roommates bike for the summer. Said goodbye to being an RA and to my wonderful staff. Cried a lot, hugged a lot, prayed a lot. And now I am home. This is what it looked like for me to say "See you later" to Northwestern for the summer. And this time it was hard. I have so many emotions right now and, so much thankfulness for so many things/people. Northwestern is another home for me now - these people that I spent every Monday night with are like sisters. And the women that work at Northwestern have become people that I admire and share my heart with.

So "See you later Northwestern" and "hello summer - ready or not you are here. It might take me a few days to get used to you."

-Jamie

Walking in His Rhythm

His heart beat is steady

it is unchanging

By a love that died

for you and me

THIS is irresistible grace; knowing I am loved & loving Him back.

This week...since Tuesday has been good. Woah.

God is REALLY big and He has purpose in each day,

and I'm realizing through prayer our eyes become more open

to how He is constantly moving and blessing us as we submit to Him.

I say, "God, do what you want, whatever you want to do with this day, it is yours...this day is limitless because of you."

And later on He shows me that when I simply slow down my walking and breathing I am able to fight better, think clearer and I am walking in His rhythm.

When we go so fast, we can't hear what is most important - His heartbeat.

This is at least where I'm at.

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Last night I went to a concert of praise and prayer called UNITE.

It was held at UofM Campus and many college campuses, as well as other organizations such as a team of mom's that pray for their children, and all of us as a generation, were there to UNITE together in prayer to see revival, renewing, and simply put, change.

Why did I go to this, you may ask (or maybe not)? Because Leeland (the band that I love so much), was playing there. I was honest about this, and this is why I think God is funny. I didn't know I was going to a prayer event that had been prayed for for years in advance to bring UNITY throughout the whole twin cities. Woah. And honestly, Leeland was not the highlight of my night. Jesus and feelings His love, power, freedom, and joy was. God is doing BIG things. He is bringing people together and creating an army. He wants us to know we are loved, He wants reconciliation for families, He wants healing. And He is Holy -- He is set apart from us, so far above us, there is nothing we could do to impress Him really because He is just so far above us...but that's good because it's not about that. It's about the fact that Jesus died on the cross for you and me so that we would be UNITED with God once again. His grace leads us into relationship with Him. So....Leeland was good (loved it), but God...yeah He was better.

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I have so much on my heart.

So many unexpected conversations have been happening lately.

I have a little over a week left of my sophomore year of COLLEGE!

And I have tons to be thankful for and I'm really looking forward to the summer.

I do not want to stop healing -- it's really hard, but I want to be a whole person, that has joy, peace, and love in my heart. I do not want to be marked by fear. I know this is a process.

I say that a lot.

I have many things I'd like for this summer, but who knows what will happen.

I know I need rest -- life has been busy. And I know that I need a job.

All of that to say -- I am learning to literally walk in God's rhythm, trying to soak up this last week of my year at NWC...while getting all that I need to get done done, and looking forward to a good, hopefully refreshing summer (kind of like a smooth fruit slushy drink...yeah).

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And now I am off to more studying -- this really is the life of an education major people.

-Jamie

Academic overload

¹⁰fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with^(R) my righteous right hand.

- Isaiah 41:10

He will tend his flock like a shepherd;
^(P) he will gather the lambs in his arms;
^(Q) he will carry them in his bosom,
and gently lead those that are with young.

-Isaiah 40:11

²⁸Have you not known? Have you not heard?The LORD is^(AL) the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
^(AM) his understanding is unsearchable.
²⁹He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
³⁰Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
³¹but^(AN) they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings^(AO) like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

-Isaiah 40:28-31

I woke up this morning and read these verses and thought

"Today I get to remember that I am a little lamb & God is my shepard taking care of me." I have a theology paper due on Friday about women in ministry, a leaders banquet tomorrow night, a hall dinner on Friday night, case studies to finish, a paper to print, rooms to inspect, a presentation for my lesson plan, a final to study for and the list gooooeeess ON. Tonight I choose to not worry. Tonight I choose to not worry. Tonight I choose to remember that I am a little lamb & God is my shepard taking care of me.

He's got it.

He's got it.

He's got it.

I absolutely believe that I am way too tired to worry!

Mosaic

I believe that in this world God shows us pieces of Himself in different forms all over the place. I think that is why I love to spend time with Him in nature; whether just looking out the window or being outside. I think that God intended people in our lives to reflect images of Him that help create a whole picture of Him. Sadly, many of us [maybe all in some form] have broken pictures of a father, therefore something is missing in our mosaic. I do know that because God is the creator of this mosaic He can heal those wounds and put in the piece that is missing.

All together this mosaic holds together a picture of God inside. I like this illustration -- it makes so much sense to me because I am so dang visual. Man, these eyes were meant for something!
I really want to make a mosaic bottle of some sort and put pieces of paper inside that say things about who God is. That shall be one of my summer projects =). Oh what joy there is from being such an expressive person!

Being Broken

I look around this world
and I see so many broken people.
I see FEAR consume their minds, hearts, and words
with the outcome of deceit, anger, selfishness, and cutting words as well as actions.
I interact with 3-4 year olds every Tuesday and Thursday who each have been wounded by this world already - I can tell.
They don't feel heard, so they boss others around.
They get bossed around so they put up walls and are mean to others as a means of defense.
They have crying fits when their mothers leave; pulling her hand so she won't walk out the door.

How am I to love them?
My first reaction is to come to their rescue every time. To hold them and use soft words. To sit with them every time they cry. That sounds like a great idea - but sometimes that feeds an unhealthy way of them trying to get attention. They need attention though. They need love, they need nurture like every human being. What does it look like to show someone unconditional LOVE? I am wrestling with this. I don't have answers & I know that is okay; I'm only 20. I'm learning. As a child I was a princess - I got rescued every time when sometimes I didn't need a soft word. Sometimes I needed a firm, yet loving word.

When children are crying for attention they need to be heard. The means in which they are heard though needs to be out of unconditional supernatural LOVE. I can't give that to them, unless I have received it from Jesus. I hope to have my eyes more open to the ways in which He is continually showing me His unconditional, supernatural, unchanging LOVE so that I can give that to others.

There is Hope though.
I see it the most when I am out in the sun playing with these 3-4 year olds and their eyes are twinkling as they go back and forth in the swings. Or smile as they do flips on the monkey bars. I see it when I'm holding a little girl who jammed her finger and she is crying as if it is the end of the world but holding on to me so tight. I see it when the little boys look at the big green dumpsters and think that Oscar from Sesame Street lives there. I feel the hope when I am able to rub the little one's backs during nap time and get to pray for them in my heart.

I feel as if God gave me this opportunity to be at a daycare for so many reasons. One of them I am seeing recently is my heart for children that are broken, live in poverty and come from different ethnicities. Another is that I think God is wanting to heal me in my broken ways of love by showing me how to love these Children. I can sympathize with them because I grew up going to daycare with a single parent. I understand what it is like to not want to say goodbye to my mom. I just hope that even though I am only there for a total of 30 hours that I can leave them with something lasting. I hope that my prayers and actions will nurture their hearts and bring restoration.

*I have so many thoughts lately & this has kind of become my place for writing them down, so If you care to read sweet, but it's okay if you dont!

-Jamie

Holding Me

Today at Open Door Steve talked about bearing with each other and then bearing with ourselves and the struggles we encounter. He used Mark 6: 47-53

^"47 Later that night, the boat was in the middle of the lake, and he was alone on land. ⁴⁸ He saw the disciples straining at the oars, because the wind was against them. Shortly before dawn he went out to them, walking on the lake. He was about to pass by them, ⁴⁹ but when they saw him walking on the lake, they thought he was a ghost. They cried out, ⁵⁰ because they all saw him and were terrified.Immediately he spoke to them and said, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” ⁵¹ Then he climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed, ⁵² for they had not understood about the loaves; their hearts were hardened. ⁵³ When they had crossed over, they landed at Gennesaret and anchored there."

Through this verse he showed that Jesus sees us in our struggle and at the right time comes into our struggle with us and tells us to not run from our fears because He is holding us. Man there was a lot packed into this message that I still need to think about. When he talked about God holding us he showed the picture of Mother Teresa holding this baby. I guess this baby had no arms. And he said that you could tell that she was just so in love with this child and her holding this baby brought something to life within her. that just really stuck with me.

"Glitter"

I grew up with my eyes trained to find value and worth in what has glittered in society. I did not have a Christ-centered idea of love given to me growing up, so what I saw was only skin deep. I learned that "I was not good enough if I looked 'this way' or said 'these things.'" No one had to say it, but certainly over the past 19 years I learned this way of sight. It is now at my 20th year of living that the creator of the universe is showing me that I have eyes that need healing and a heart that needs mending. Now when I was 17 God started to show me the brokenness that I was not even aware of in my life -- but it wasn't until college that my world was shaken. This has been a journey of becoming aware of my lack of understanding of grace and where that comes from [wounds] and then having the courage and endurance to look at my wounds and begin to heal from those things.

Right now I am taking time to really focus on my value. This means I am intentionally trying to change my pattern of thinking. I am seeing where I have placed my value, how I feel about my self, why I feel that way and asking Jesus what He finds valuable and thinking about those things. This is my heart and has been for a while. Recently my eyes were opened to the fact that I need new sight. What I have seen as valuable are the glittery things in our world, especially when it comes to people. Our world is full of a lot of seduction whether you are surrounded by Christians or not, whether it is obvious or hidden.

I have mad the choice that I do not want glitter. It is seduction -- it promises something that it cannot give and gives something that leads to destruction. Glitter catches one's eye. The interesting thing about glitter is that when it is in the form of make-up it is usually easy to put on your face but very hard to get off - it takes time, make-up remover, cotton balls and a lot of elbow grease. I know because we used a lot of it in Dance Team. Glitter also gets everywhere. Most of the time you are just trying to get it on one piece of your skin but before you know there are specs of it all over your close and body. That was not your intention, but that stuff spreads fast. While you are walking by others you end up rubbing this glitter onto them. It's messy.

All of this to say now I have a choice in my every day life. Do I want glitter or reality? And the truth is that my choices affect the ones that I love the most. My prayer is that Jesus would give me eyes to see the glitter and a deep desire to say no to it and yes to Him. I feel that desire deep inside of me already. The truth is that God has given me a true gift of sight and observation and the enemy wanted to mess that up. God is victorious always. This is definitely a journey, and one I am just starting. If you read this; I'm asking that you would just pray for me, because I know God has good things for me in this, but it's not easy.

There is this song by Fuel called Shimmer. It's about a girl and how she broke up with him and blah blah blah -- BUT there is this part of the song that keeps going through my head lately that says "And I have found that all that shimmers in this world is short to fade away." To me that encourages me. It shows me a different reality. I want to know God's reality. I want to find my value and worth from His unconditional love and then see others that way.

Thanks for listening
-Jamie