Rando...

I. miss. Jamaica.
If I could I would get on a plane and go...i just want to be there! grr

I'm not in Control. wierd.

She works hard for the money =P

So last week at our hall small group my RA was talking about being servants and how we need to be alert and aware of the holy spirit. This really caught my attention because I know that there are many times where I ignore the holy spirit's whisper. Well the next day I prayed to God that I would be sensitive to that and after my classes were done for the day that prayer definitely was worth it. As i was walking back to my dorm from science I felt God saying "go get an application to work at the cafeteria" - so i went and asked for one and they hired me on the spot! what do ya know?! pretty awesome i'd say =). So last night was my first day of work; i served food, cleaned, and set up and teared down. It was actually the first time that i had joy while i was working - PRAISE GOD. wow, not to say there won't be hard days but I am going free and being responsible and I love it.
Rock on God...Rock on.

Beginnings.

Well i am in my second semester of my first year at Northwestern College...WOW. I don't really know what to say because I'm in such an odd place. I really enjoy Northwestern and feel [as far as I know] led to stay here this semester but today I'm hungry for more. I'm hungry for more of God. I don't know what that looks like but I know it is important to say it. It's important that I wait on God in this season that I am in. I feel so squirmy right now!!!! But So far I have been seeing that this semester is really about learning to follow God and depend on him in a deeper way. I am hungry to be led. And let me tell you this is quite the awkward "dance" I am in. I am hungry to know God more and walk every day with Him. I am NOT satisfied with just having fun or just going to college. I think this is what people call the waiting period.

"I lift up my eyes to you,to you whose throne is in heaven. As the eyes of slaves look to the hand of their master,as the eyes of a maid look to the hand of her mistress,so our eyes look to the LORD our God,till he shows us his mercy." - psalm 123:1-2
"Our Soul waits for the Lord, He is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in Him, because we trust in His holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you." - Psalm 33:20-22
"And you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy; you have set my feet in a broad place... But i trust in you, O Lord; I say,"You are my God." My times are in your hand...Oh, how abundant is your goodness which you have stored up for those who fear you" - Psalms 31:8,14&15,19
"...but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace."-Romans 8:6b
"But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." - Romans 5:8

^^ The truth I hold on to right now [in my weakness] is that God is going to lead me wherever I need to be. That He loves me, a sinner, and that He is with me always.
My soul waits for God. This is very new for me because as much as I have made decisions based on what I felt would be pleasing to God, I was doing it to "get it right," God is really freeing me from this and has brought me to repentence, but i believe there is more freedom to come as I wait on Him. I believe freedom is listening to His voice rather than living under the pressure to be perfect. I know this is His perfect timing for all of this so I will rest in Him in My desperation.
<3

Untitled

Things are changing. They always are, but this is...this is a lot different. Things are shifting -- in the deepest parts of who I am. I am realizing the FIGHT between my soul and my mind. I am seeing how crazy hungry I am for God that nothing, not music, a friend, writing, maybe not even the bible can fill this hunger. Give me God. Straight up. When I hear about things like prayer meetings, people's lives changing because of God, reaching out to friends that i haven't seen in a while, seeing my dad ...a part of me resists this, but underneath that it is everything I want. God's love is like a shower, a rain storm, where I find myself in the middle of a street unable to move, drenched and soaked with rain drops, my hands up in the air with a smile on my face saying I WANT MORE!...come on clouds i'm not done yet. JOY WILL COME <-- I believe what i just described to you is receiving a part of joy..oh geeze its like undescribeable but so unique and i'm not sure what it is. Sure i still get miffed about things but God calms the storm.
I have been quite the skeptic actually -- i don't think anyone would think that about me from the outside. I've done a good job at pretending...having it all together [which by the way i am SO done with that]. I've lived in all of the lies, they have blinded me from the truth..that's what lies do -- they tear apart one's heart until it seems any kind of surgery will not repair it. But GOD is more powerful. He redeems. What else can I say?
So this skeptic is going to take off her blinders and open her eyes to the beauty that is surrender, the beauty that is sacrifice, the beauty that is God. This is DEFINITELY a process. But...I have faith and that's new so right now I trust.

I thought Untitled would be a good title for this blog considering well my thoughts are gone...come on Jesus - take away my resistance, Here I am.

Freedom is here...

When I am at the end of my rope He makes me new again…
He refreshes my spirit and shows me that it is not through my strength but only through Him
He is the best father, teacher, counselor, and friend that anyone could ever know
He gives me joy and peace when I don't deserve it…
His grace is abundant no matter what the cost.
He is the first and the last
Created everything
He is my God
And I am his daughter
He loves me, He loves you
He is my savior -- the one I can fully depend on when I feel all hope is lost
He knows what is best for me, even if I disagree…
But He gives me free will to chose ..YES or NO
That is what true love is
He sacrificed EVERYTHING so that I could be forgiven, free, and restored.
How sweet it is to be loved by a God who guides me into deep waters and open valleys -
Takes me into the wilderness and I am NOT alone
Shows me what I am made of…so that He can make me new
He is THE one that shows me how to stand in truth
When my sin is all that I can see, he does not relent but says - "that is not what I see
I see beauty when I look into your eyes, I see my son in disguise"
What a beautiful maker, what a wonderful savior..
I do not have any words, but hope rests on my heart
For when I feel far from Him - he says "were not apart"
I fall to my knees in surrender, find a shelter when I'm weak
He made me, shaped me, knew all about me - and said "you're the one I seek"
This God who is HOLY, laid down His life, He knew I would mess up
But He still calls me His bride…
So what do I say, what can I do?
Here is my life, a living sacrifice to you.

WAITING. & RELEASING JOY.

Philippians 3:12-15 (The Message)

Focused on the Goal
12-14I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.

15-16So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it.

I would say that in my walk with Jesus[which by the way just saying that is exciting! ..what a privilege]...my vision has been skewed. How I have seen myself has been based off of how I think God sees me..but the problem is I haven't thought God sees me much - ridiculous i know, but sadly true. And honestly i'm not positive but i think that's why i have a lot more rebellion in my than i thought i did. I am just seeing how much my desires don't mach up with God's desires. So right now, I am waiting...for God to break me - to "clear my blurred vision," change my hear to one that desires what he desires-- desires him.
Oddly enough, as i am in this place i am at peace and have joy - what else can i do? well i could throw a pity party, drench myself in condemnation, or sit on my bum and dive into more rebellion...but i really don't feel like getting myself into that kind of mess.
So i just keep on asking - God would you change my desires? I know i am called to live a radical life for you, no not a "Christian Life" because honestly what is that? I am called to live saturated in God's love and obedient to his spirit.

I think that's why I am so excited...i'm ready for it to happen! I am ready to be broken so that i can enter into God's presence. I am ready to know my Papa the way i should as a daughter <3

This blog i feel is a commitment and later on i can look back and say hey God IS good and HAS changed my desires.

I am waiting...