God is good & He loves me

Over the past 4 years I have experienced so much.  There have been joyful times and times of great despair. In the aftermath of it all I find myself more thankful for the painful seasons of life as a college student, because I have walked through the fire and come out refined.  (hopefully not burnt and smelly...)  Not for a moment did He forsake me (Meridith Andrews, I kinda stole your song lyrics).  There was always a purpose and it was always for my good.  Even if it was painful.  My 4 years at Northwestern College (soon to be The University of Northwestern - St. Paul) have been beautiful.  Beautiful describes the season of life rightly.  I went through periods of depression and anxiety.  I experienced deep healing of my soul.  I was in a wonderful, hard and serious relationship that taught me so much about life and love.  I had the opportunity to be an RA my sophomore year.  I was able to serve the girls in my hall to the best of my ability as a sophomore juggling a relationship and education classes could.  I taught 3rd graders, 5th graders, kindergarteners and most of all my lovely 4th grade students who got 14 weeks with me (lucky them ;)).   I lived on my own, paid rent and worked at a restaurant in order to pay the bills.  One of my most favorite times during this 4 year experience was being a day camps coordinator at Trout Lake Camps.  It was exactly what I needed.  Not because all my wants were met.  No, because this is when I truly began to learn how to put my desires to the side and love others.  I am so grateful to God for blessing me with that experience.  The friendships I made that summer were such a blessing.  Some of my closests friends in my life as of now are from camp.  As I reflect I think about the summer before I came to Northwestern.  All my fears, concerns and questions.  Now, according to my app (t-zero), I have 4 days and 13 hours until I graduate.  I was so afraid, and I had no idea that God had showers of blessings to poor upon me.  Now more than ever I see His goodness and grace.  I see how these last 4 years have changed who I am positively.  I believe I see the Lord differently and the way I view the world has changed.  Fear doesn't mark me, but as I walk through each day I fight for love to be the tape that plays in my brain.  My passion for teaching has come alive and there is nothing that I'd rather do.  Nothing.  My heart feels open to loving students and pouring myself out to them.  I hope that as I walk that stage and get my diploma, and walk out the doors of Maranatha Hall that I may walk away knowing two things: God is good and He always loves me.  Those two lessons are what I carry with me from my 4 years at Northwestern.  From that I am more open to saying "thy will be done."

God is good & He loves me.

The Right Way to View a Box.

I have learned that each one of us carries with us a box.  Inside our box we carry the troubles, joys, sorrows, and excitements of our lives.  There are two ways I have misunderstood how to view my box, as well as those closest to me.  I have thought that I can hold my box and everything in it.  I've thought that it's my job to open up each item in the box and fix that item.  Wrong.  Then when others show me their box, and unload their items I have thought it right and possible to pick up the items in their box as well.  Wrong.
As it pertains to my box, God gets to hold it.  We open it up together, and I bring each item to him.  When others share their boxes with me I get to watch as they unpack, and validate what I see.  Why would I try to pick something up that God already is holding?

Do you feel responsible for the hardships of others?  You're not.  It is so important to be there for the ones The Lord has placed in our lives.  And when its appropriate we should speak into their lives with grace and truth.  But more than anything I believe that making room for Jesus to be Jesus gives miles on end for me to be me, and the other next to me to be them.

I believe carrying someone's burdens is very different than trying to fix their burdens.  I'd much rather sit with someone in their pain and see them, rather then try to fix their heart and life circumstances.  I believe that Jesus came to heal us, and set us free to live for Him.  It's His job to heal the broken parts of me, and comfort me.  And that doesn't change for the other beside me.

Life doesn't stop

"And from His fullness we have ALL received grace upon grace." - John 1:16

It will have been two months that I have been student teaching on March 15th.  It has went by incredibly fast, and I have grown mentally, emotionally and spiritually in ways I never thought I would.  Right now I am home for my spring break.  I italicized this, because this break is and will be filled with mountains of studying.  

It is scary and exciting to think that in a little more than two months I graduate college.  The reality of this major event in my life is actually beginning to feel real.  Can I just tell you how relieving, and at the same time daunting this feels?!  Graduating college feels like it's something for "big kids," and well I don't feel like a "big kid."  ha.  "Well, kiddo, you are and life is just going to keep moving," is what I think would be fitting to tell myself at this point.

Life. Does. Not. Stop.  

The clock continues to tick, seasons change, babies are born, others are lost, and each day the sun sets and rises.  That sounds kind of depressing, but that's not my purpose in writing this.  If life keeps going, I want to as well.  I want to be present in each moment, because that is where the Lord is.  I believe that's where I see all that He is doing (well...all he chooses to show me).

I think that when college graduation comes around, grad. candidates feel pressure to keep moving in a pressure-filled way.  I know that I do.  There's this unspoken rule that one needs to accomplish something just as great, if not greater, than the four years of studying at a college.  So doing something that would seem to fit into the "college years" category doesn't satisfy.  So many of my good friends have told me that life after graduation is very hard.  I wonder if that pressure to fulfill all the dreams one had in college once they graduate has made that season of life hard.  I'm unsure, and really it could be a number of things that make it hard.

Life after graduation doesn't need to look a certain way.  It just gets to be what it is, and dreams get to be dreams.  They get to be pursued without pressure.  Passions get to be ignited in unexpected and expected ways.  Desires get to be fulfilled, yet not.  In the midst of it ALL, God is still God and is always good.  

"You're the ground that doesn't shake

You're the branch that doesn't break

You're the light that never fades

and You're holding on

There's never been a time

You've ever left my side

You're love never dies

and You're holding on"

- Lindsay McCaul

"Hold on to Me"

Cultivating a heart of JOY

  One part of teaching that I have been reflecting on in the past few days is that it gives me so much life.  I remember hearing that whatever gives us passion gives God glory.  It’s always been hard for me to think of things I would want to do in my life through the lense of reality.  I find myself looking at my current situation thinking that I don’t fully enjoy what I am doing now, but this other career would be amazing.  In the past few years I’ve had to reflect, and think about whether I like the idea of certain careers verses the reality of doing that job.  When I decided that I wanted to go to school to become a teacher I had an unrealistic idea of the job.  Once I began working in classrooms, I really doubted whether it was for me or not.  The more I mature, I realize that nothing will come without challenges and parts that aren’t enjoyable.  The question that I need to ask myself is “even though this is hard, do I still love it?”  At first I couldn’t say that about teaching.  I knew that there were times of enjoyment while I taught, but I have found that in the past few months that even though this is hard I do love it.  There are other experiences in my life where this is true, and in each one I have been working with youth, and teaching them something.  I believe what makes the difference is that it’s not about what I feel, because emotions are fleeting.  It is from the underlying joy of doing what I am passionate about, and knowing that I am serving God through that.

Here. We. Go. ((Ready or Not))

*So I may have stolen that title from a friend and fellow blogger of mine.

It is January 8th, 2013, for those of you who didn't read the date at the head of the blog post ;).  The point is, that in two days I will be heading back to Minnesota to move in with a mentor or host family, if you will.  This is my last semester of college, and I will be student teaching this semester.  On January 14th, and 15th I will have student teaching orientation.  On the 16th I begin.  wow.  I find myself pausing for a few moments to take it in.  I think I need more than a few moments though.  This feels big.  It is another date that I never thought I would experience.  2009 felt far off in the distance, but it happened and that year I graduated high school.  09 was part of my username for school, and every time I signed in my e-mail, that year didn't ever seem like it would come.  Then it did, and I entered college: Northwestern.  2013 has always been the expiration date on my ID card.  Most people end up breaking their ID card, or losing it sometime within their two to four years at Northwestern.  I have had the same one for these last four years, and it is not until this year that it has a few bruises.  Hmm, but 2013, that is SO far away.  Nope, eight days ago the new year began: 2013.

Now, teaching.  Here it comes.  I will be in a suburb of Minnesota, teaching fourth graders.  There will be a time period where I teach full-time for 10 consecutive days. Now that is a good chunk of time.  There are many other tasks I will need to accomplish, and I'm sure that you will hear about them one way or the other.  I want to say that I will blog about my experiences like once a week.  Come on, anyone who reads my blog knows that won't happen.  So, if I get a chance I will blog, but this is my blog post to express this new season of life before it begins.  If that's all you get, I do apologize, it's just a crazy life that I'm living.

Anyway, at church a friend asked how I felt about student teaching.  And the best way I could describe it (as cheesy as it sounds) is the feeling right before you jump off a diving board: scared and excited.

There has been so much preparation, but there are so many things that are unknown.  I know that I do come prepared, but I also come with nothing, and that is where Jesus gives me strength, joy, and motivation for each day.

Please be praying for me, as I begin this new experience.  I really desire to give it my everything, and grow in my teaching abilities.  I will be living somewhere new, and I really want that to be a smooth transition.  Prayer in that area would be wonderful.  And, I am transferring to a different restaurant closer to where I live.  I won't be working much, but I know that will be something I need to figure out how to balance.  Lastly, right now I absolutely need my community.  I am fully aware that community may look different, but I believe God is faithful, and will provide for me in that way as he already has!

Praise, Praise, Praise Him.

Jamie

My Hope is Built on Nothing Less

Nothing will change
If all the plans I make are wrong, Your love stays the same
Your light will guide me through it all, I'm hangin' on
I'm leaning in, to You

Nothing can reach,
The end of all Your faithfulness
Your grace is with me,
Through every shadow, every test
I'm hangin' on
I'm leaning in, to You

I don't know where you'll take me
But I know You're always good
My hope is built on nothing else,
Than Your great love, Your righteousness
I will not walk another way
I trust Your heart, I trust Your name
I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on, to You

You are my rock
When storms are raging all along,
You shelter me, God
I'm safe with you on solid ground,
I'm hangin' on
I'm leaning in, to You

I don't know where you'll take me
But I know You're always good
My hope is built on nothing else,
Than Your great love, Your righteousness
I will not walk another way
I trust Your heart, I trust Your name
I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on, to You

My hope is built on nothing else,
Than Your great love, Your righteousness
I will not walk another way
I trust Your heart, I trust Your name
I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on, to You

I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on to You
I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on to You
I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on to You
I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on to You

I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on to You
I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on to You
I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on to You
I'm holdin' on
I'm holdin' on to You

I'm holdin' on to You (holdin' on to you)

My hope is built on nothing else,
Than Your great love, Your righteousness
I will not walk another way
I trust Your heart, I trust Your name

-Paul Baloche

I heard this song today, and I think the Lord really wanted me to hear it.  It pretty much sums up my life!  

Let's talk more later, I have too much homework to do now.  I promise I will get around to updating this thing.

- Oh and by the way, I'm graduating in 164 days.

The Pain That Heals

Edmund: So, what was it like... when Aslan changed you back? 

Eustace: No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't do it myself. Then he came towards me. It sort of hurt, but... it was a good pain. You know, like when you pull a thorn from your foot.

The Chronicles of Narnia

I've watched this movie a few times, and it has such an impact on me each time.  Eustace is the cousin of Edmund and Lucy.  He does not believe in their talk of Narnia, but is forced to see that it is a real place when the three of them are brought back to Narnia.  He journeys along with them on their adventures, all the way being skeptic to every supernatural event.  Finally, they reach an island, where they are tempted.  Eustace is tempted as well and gives into this temptation.  It turns him into a dragon.  Later in the movie, Aslan changes him back and this is where the quote is from above.

Every time I have watched this movie, this scene has stood out to me.  The firs time I saw it, it made me think of the healing that God does in our hearts.  I thought of how we can't change our hearts, but God can and will.  It may hurt, but it IS the good kind of pain.  It is the restorative type.  This time as I anticipated this scene in the movie I saw a larger connection in this film.  

We are sinners, and we can't see our own sin.  We are proud, and believe our way is the best way.  Then get ourselves deep in sin.  We get to the point where we cannot change ourselves.  This is where Jesus comes in and heals us.  It may hurt, but it is good.  It is beautiful.  

I think of how gentle Aslan was with Eustace.  He took his claws, and ran them through the sand.  As he did this Eustace was being healed. Then Eustace was picked up from the ground, utterly helpless, and brought to an area where he could help the others defeat fear.

It reminds me that when we were completely sinful, God picked us up, and made us new.  He also makes all things work together for our good.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us

- Romans 5:8

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God

- Ephesians 2:8

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.

-Romans 8:28