Selah

I have been home since May 11th.   That means that I have been here for 15 days (almost 16).  Each of these 15 days has seemed to sweep past me, yet little treasures have been given each day.  Amidst the sea of my sin, I have seen my father's blessing.  Is that what it means to be a finished work in progress? 

These past 15 days have been a time for my body, mind, and soul to take a deep inhale.  (deep breath, and as the oxygen releases from my nostrils I can feel there is still a tightening grip on my heart).  With the heavy load of school and the pain of life that I walked through this past semester, I have needed a time to pause and reflect.  A "Selah" if you will.  For the first few days my body guided me by directing me in paths of lying down on the couch, my bed, or some grass.  Although the tape in my mind that tells me what's wrong didn't approve of the lying down I knew better than to listen to that voice.  I praise my Father that the voice on that tape is getting quieter (maybe I will share more about that sometime).

These two weeks of rest and recovery have been much needed.  I don't know how I will adjust to camp life, but I know my heart isn't ready to stop recovering - in other words healing.  It feels like that has just begun in some ways.  I have had more time, and for the first part of it I wanted to find things to fill up the time to avoid any feeling of loneliness.  Then I had to remind myself that this time is and was a gift that I will not get in my life always.  I'm sure that sooner than I  know it I will be working and married and then children will come at some point and my time will be very limited.  I can use this season of my life, where my time is mine, wisely.  I can take time to journal, sit in the sun, read a book, lay on the couch, and drink sleepy time tea before bed with a book that I can't get my eyes out of (If you haven't read Redeeming Love I highly recommend it).

The tightening grip that I feel and have felt has everything to do with heart ache.  Heart each ebbs and flows in my soul.  Something can trigger it and all at once my heart is back to memories I'd rather push down, so I can move on to something happier, something that doesn't sting.  But it is there.  Some of the aches have been there for years, and some are freshly set upon the old ones.  There is someone that knows me really well, and who I am beginning to know, that can sit with me and slowly begin to heal it all.  He doesn't judge or expect anything from me.  He loves to love me, and is relentlessly after my heart.  He's very jealous for it.  He wants me.  Yes - it's Jesus.  Over these past 15 days there have been times I've really let Him in.  I've learned more about His love (read Redeeming love!!!) for me, and like for me.  I've seen prayers answered. I've learned that He doesn't care about me being cool - well He actually wants it gone and has shown me in some really practical ways how to walk out of it.  For example, I wanted chacos for camp.  Oh my beloved chacos.  Nope!  Keens are for me, they fit like a glove and they don't look cool to me.  Let's see who cares?!  Not my father, or my earthly dad, or my mom, or my friends.  They like keens...haha.  Not that it entirely matters, but hey it was a big deal for me.  There are more little treasures that God has given me, but that's one example I think is good and funny to share.

My "Selah" time is almost over.  What I have learned is that I need to "selah" each day, and my heart needs it each moment of each day.  My heart needs fresh air, warm sun, comfy blankets and pillows and some discipline too.

In 4 days I go to camp.  Deep breath in, and as the oxygen deflates from my chest, I can feel a sense of peace.  It is surely not my own.

-Jamie